Friday, December 4, 2009


When does sssssexting---- become sssstalking?

Two years ago, he walked into Deluxe, a restaurant/bar near Columbia University, still wearing his baseball jersey.  Friend of a friend. I liked the way he looked in his uniform.  Very male.  Very masculine. Great guns. Two hours later we were making out as he hailed a cab for me.  He was 36, and a Spanish Teacher on the Lower East Side.  He had my phone number and promised to call.  One week later, I met him at my local Starbucks for our first date.  I had a lovely time and enjoyed his company, but it was a first date and he was not going to get to first base, and certainly not second. 

I was surprised and pleased when he offered to walk me home.  A perfect gentleman.  At my door, I kissed him good night and he said, "I'd love to see your apartment."  Sure, I thought, why not.  He came up.  Molly loved him.  She was still a puppy.  But now it was 8:00 p.m. and I had work to do.  I dropped gentle hints; dishes to wash, papers to grade.  He didn't budge.  It became clear to me that he thought at one point, if he was patient, I would lead him to my bedroom.   

Finally, I said, "Well, I have to walk Molly, we can go out together."  The look of shock on his face!  He wasn't getting any.  I softened the blow by adding, "Let's have drinks next weekend.  We can make-out at the bar.  I love doing that. Or we can go to the movies."   The next weekend, he had family in town and cancelled our date.  I left for San Francisco for the holidays.  Two months later, he texted me at 2:00 a.m.  It quickly became sexual.  I wasn't at all aroused, but it was fun.  Again, it was 2:00 a.m., a budding insomniac, and I was lonely. Who else could I talk to?  My very first sexxxting session

I assumed that this would lead to an actual date.  I assumed this was a type of foreplay.  As the months went by, however, it never led to an actual date.  It began to feel like a form of harassment:  HI ITS ME.  LAYING ON MY BED. WHAT R U DOIN?  After awhile, I just ignored them.  Ignored him.  He got the message and went away.  But it started up again in the summer.  This time there had been a death in my family--- and I was overwhelmed emotionally, so I welcomed the distraction.  I kept suggesting an actual date.  Wouldn't that be better?  Wasn't that the point? 

As it turns out, no.  Recently, home with the flu, I heard from him again.  Since I hadn't washed my hair in a week, put on make-up, in short looking like a witch, I texted him back: HOME W/THE FLU.  He wrote back: IS THERE ANYTHING U NEED?   When he tried to steer the conversation to sex, I artfully deflected this:  DON'T GET SEXUAL.  NOT GOING THERE.  He quickly ended it.  This has been going on for two years, and I think I finally understand that this is a man who has no intention or zero interest in a real time date.  This is a man who gets off sexually in cyber-space.

It's strange.  When it first felt like he was stalking me, I quickly dismissed it.  After all, its not like he was standing outside my bedroom window, showing up at work, calling me. I wasn't physically being threatened.  He wasn't leaving a million voice mails.  He wasn't calling my friends.  Maybe stalking isn't even the right word.  All I know is that he does not desire to have sex with me.  I could be anywoman.  Anywhere in the world.  Perhaps its that very anonymity that feels obscene. This is a man who tried to sext me while I had a fever of 101 degrees. 

Welcome to dating in the 21st century.


  1. It's so freaking complicated, isn't it? I understand that need for distraction and how easy it can be to assume the rules are still the same. But they're not.

  2. I just wonder why it took me so long to figure it out :)