Monday, December 1, 2008

The Way My Day Played Out

a golden day today, yesterday was mud. I didn't wake up to mud on Sunday but it became so as the day progressed. why? so little daylight, cold and raining. I didn't go to the gym, who knows. it was one of those days when I am chasing the dragon of anxiety, or its chasing me. a formless day, my brain as foggy as the weather outside. thousands of competing voices in my head, some not so nice, some downright mean and bitchy. the initial crash happened early in the afternoon when I couldn't get online. I spent two worthless hours on the phone with tech support trouble shooting when all along it was a problem in the entire borough of Brooklyn.

at least when I found that out, I said, OK, you're done trying to work. Assuage yourself. do what you need to calm down. everyone was still out of town. nobody to talk to. I watched Stone Philips interview Jeffrey Dahmer's father and mother. the mother scared me, so worried that everyone was blaming her, insisting that his childhood was normal, her pregnancy was normal, everything was fine, la, la, la. at least it seemed that the father had engaged in some soul searching.

and this morning, the flat flatness of depression still had a hold on me. but wait, I shouldn't call it depression. there is a reason I am sad. I am grieving. and that's hard to say. hard to admit. it can be such an ugly process; ugly in the sense of ugly crying. its not easy to cry as hard as I've cried lately, and its never easy to pull myself back together again. but what choice do I have? I am drowning in debt. I have to get it together. work. keep working. keep the house clean, food in the refrigerator, walk my dog. in any event, it was there, sitting on me from the moment I woke up.

But i forced myself out into the day and the sun, the glorious magnificent sun was out and shining. I felt 100% better, I felt thank God I get another day, and what a miracle that is--- another chance. then I went to the gym, came home, worked for an hour, back out in the sun, worked for another hour and then back in the sun. I told myself that the more time I spend outside, the better I would feel, and so it was.

I crashed a bit this evening on the phone with a credit card, raising my apr to an ungodly rate. i said, is this how you are fighting the debt crisis, by raising the apr on credit cards, so more and more people default, what kind of madness is that, and I am good customer. I always pay on time, I may not be paying it down, but I am reliable. I asked, why am I being punished and do you know what they did, transferred me to a credit counseling center. fuck them. i am proud of the fact that i am in debt, but i am managing it, it is still good debt, I haven't defaulted on anything. and its a struggle. the whole thing is such a struggle. but I am managing to do it. anyway I made an appointment to see a credit counselor, and got back to work looking for work. even something seasonal, I don't care, a store, a cashier, a smile, how may I help you, whatever.

but its got me thinking about what the ripple effect of the crashing economy is going to have on me personally. I think I just got a taste of it. Is this going to happen with my other debt as well? Is there no legal recourse. I even told the woman on the phone, I'm going to report you to the president. the democratic president I helped elect into office, that's when she probably thought I needed counseling, ha. thank God I am back in the classroom tomorrow, that little bubble of academia when I get to leave all this behind, and do what I do--- teach and write. it seems such a luxury these days. to just work at what i love.

I am grieving and all the books out there are stupid. this is what you do. on days when you wake up in mud and the only thing you can do is cry, do that. on days when you wake up and think you might have the strength to get back to your life, do that. exercise because its a natural source of serotonin, eat well, get enough sleep, do yoga, meditate, and if all else fails have a drink and piece of chocolate cake. or smoke a little weed. go for walks. soak up the sun if there is sun. and know that there is tomorrow, and that little fact, that axiomatic overlooked fact is such a miracle. that's the way my day played out.

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