Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Revisioning my Brain

Another golden day which started at the gym. 20 minutes on the machine where its like you're cross country skiing, then 50 reps on another machine, have no idea what it's called, but its works the upper arms and back, another that works my shoulders, another where I press 90 pounds with my legs, and confidentially my legs are strong. then finally the last piece of equipment that I call the pussy machine but the real name is the hip abductor. I call it that because I got to spread my legs wide open to sit down at it and when I am lifting the weights I can feel all the way down to--- uh--- my pussy! which I love. then I do yoga, like ten minutes, mostly the full body stretch but my eyes are closed.

I meditate on my root chakra, and a very provocative bend in the road in my hometown. it's down by the lake, a subtle curve around the harbor right before the water appears and the lights illuminating it. there's a chinese restaurant that's been there for a half a century, and there used to a bike shop next door, but that is gone. the whole scene is very Edward Hopper-ish; iconic american town, slightly surreal, late winter light--- maybe you're dreaming. that kind of thing. my mind keeps going back to that visual when I am meditating. I don't know why, I find it comforting. I'm really trying to remember the name of the chinese restaurant because its the scene of three dramatic events of my very young life.

chronologically I don't know which one come first, so I'll just start with the one I can easiest narrate. I am 17 years old, and extremely beautiful. I say this now matter of factly, but it a certainty you can take to the bank. For real. I hang out at a nightclub, a circus--- a rarity in this small midwestern town. the ringleader (owner) is part of a well known family--- it is a recognizable show business name. and by god he creates an unbelievable nightclub in the middle of nowhere and gets rock and roll bands, some of which are famous, or used to be famous. I was sleeping (fucking) the lead singers, the managers and even the bartenders. har, har.

Anyway, a non-famous band, a local band called the WaHoo Noodle (a mix of John Prine and CSNY) plays there one night. I meet the lead guitarist and he's a local Polish boy who sells carpeting as his day job. and instead of a one night stand we start dating which was very weird but nice. he took me to the chinese restaurant and I get to play the sophisticated woman out on a date for the first time in my life. now I did have a boyfriend at the time, same age as me, my high school love, but he had an open relationship. we went to parties, and screwed around in my basement, but this was different. anyway. I ordered lobster chop suey. he was adorable and never wanted to have sex with me. but I remember that date so clearly.

another time I had dinner there with a friend who was dying of leukemia but also a junkie. after dinner he did a shot glass of methadone and so did I. he was talking crazy shit and acting crazy but I knew it was one of his last nights on earth so I put up with it. later we went to a nightclub (who was driving?) with a cement floor, we danced for awhile but i hooked up and he disappeared. the next time i saw him he was in a casket romanced by acres of floral bouquets.

finally I had dinner there one night with my best friend and we both dropped acid. it wasn't a memorable trip ultimately--- I had had better, but the chicken chop suey I ordered was definitely enhanced by the lsd.

so I like this place, this iconic location. maybe because it represents a shift, away from my family and more towards the person I was going to be. that was important to me, I had to keep visualizing a life beyond that town, so that I would survive, and I did survive. so my mind returns to that spot these days when I meditate. i don't ask for the visual when I meditate I let them drift up to me. another thing I really love. ok, folks, time for the couch. nite all.

i am seriously working on rewiring my brain.

No comments:

Post a Comment