Color Me Scared

It's butt ugly bitch ass cold tonight in Brooklyn. I'm heading out in a bit to go see a friend whose mother has just died, have a couple of drinks. It's a sisterhood night which doesn't happen often enough in my life. Yesterday I pitched a piece to Salon.com and spent some time reading the latest posts--- I read about a 55 year old woman who hadn't had sex in 15 years. It really takes balls to dangle your personal life like that before the eyes of the world. Shit, I would never admit to that. She told a story all to familiar to me, the younger guy blue collar guy she went after, time spent with her shrink trying to parse the problem (is it a problem?), the two cats, the writer who likes her time alone. yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes. Color me scared.

Like her, I'm picky, too. Like her, there are any number of younger men I could pick up and knock boots with--- like her I think if I can't find love I'd rather be alone, like her she's get hit on by women, and wishes that were her thing. Huh. Well, welcome to the club, and if there isn't a club, there should be one. It's another example of Feminism 2.0 in operation. It's another example where women, like myself, strong, intelligent, accomplished would rather not, thank you very much, become entangled with a man who still thinks he should rule the roost, bring home the bacon, have hookers on the side, and watch football.

No. I couldn't do that. There's a man at work who flirts outrageously with me. Since I'm too cheap to buy a new bottle of water everyday, I keep filling up an empty. The water cooler is right by his classroom. He takes every opportunity to come out and tell me that if we don't stop meeting like this his girlfriend is going to get suspicious. Now, he is somebody I would consider dating, he's not unattractive, he has hair!, he's obviously intelligent, but what's with the girlfriend story? Does he want me to try and entice him to be "bad", cheat on her? I wouldn't do that. Not in any case, not in any scenario.

I don't know this woman, but I respect her. That's Feminism 2.0. I'm not so easily swayed by a dick these days (or lack thereof) to betray another woman. Maybe that was true in the past, maybe it was part of the stereotype, the cat fight, but, like the author of article in Salon.com, it seems that more and more women are opting out of that kind of entanglement. So what are the new rules for women like myself? I wish I didn't worry about this so much--- but I do. Always the anxiety of am I doing the right thing, am I shut down, is love the province of the young? Have I missed my chance?

Or is that all crap? Is that all a result of how women have been acculturated? I think yes this is the answer. Water cooler guy's got to cool his heels. Younger guy has got to cool his heels, too. I've been the girlfriend on the side, and I've been the older woman, and it just doesn't play for me anymore. I simply cannot imagine being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Where does that leave me? Only with the complete and total freedom to create the life I want. That's not so bad, is it?