Friday, January 22, 2010

I scared the crap out of my shrink today: FICTION

---when my evil twin, Esmerelda appeared, and started mouthing off.  Saying terrible things.  Things like: "What the fuck do you know about Jungian psychoanalysis, the concept of the shadow self, the archetype and the dream? What? Where did you get your degree, Pace University?  Please!  Don't sit here in your rent controlled apartment that doubles as your office and tell me how to live my fucking life.  I know how to live my life!"

Esmerelda is definitely a bitch.  And I did not agree that she should appear at this session, my third.  I was totally against it from the beginning.  For one thing, she scares people.  For another thing, she's unpredictable.  So there you go.  Perfect Storm.  So E. mouths off, and my shrink, Dr. Yates, is like, What the fuck.  I knew that's what she was thinking. Her face turned white, her mouth dropped open. I could see her tongue.

Now I was going to lose another shrink, my fourth in less than a year.  First there was an old guy who smelled like cabbage. He wore cardigans and ties, and assiduously took notes as I spoke--- all the while tapping the toe of his tasseled loafer.  After awhile just the sight of those shoes was enough to give me a headache. Plus he never said much--- until the day Esmerelda made her first appearance.

Fine, move on to the next one.  A stone cold butch shrink in an office building downtown; blond pixie cut, cowboy boots and big silver jewelry.  Looked like she could slice cheese with her nose.  She was another one.  Sat there in silence twirling her Tiffany pen, surrounded by candles, and pictures of Indian goddesses.  Her favorite expression was, "How would you re-frame that?" 

Then wouldn't you know it, Esmerelda jumped out, and said, "Is that the only psychoanalytical tool in your psychological bag of tricks?  For God's sake, woman!   Get a grip on yourself. I know how I would re-frame that because I've been sitting in your office for three months and its the only advice you've given me. Jesus."

And Esmerelda did it again today with my newest shrink.  Just as I was getting to like her.  Part of the problem is that E. is more than the average shrink can handle.  She's a force of nature.  She would have to go up against a real warrior, someone from Stanford or Harvard, a real smarty pants, someone who could put E in her place.

I apologized to Dr. Yates, but she couldn't get me out of the office fast enough.  I bet she called in an exorcist.  That's how scared she was.  Ironically, I don't have a problem with Esmerelda.  Would never want to lose her.  That's not why I see a shrink.  I see a shrink because I have 25 cats in my basement and I've run out of money to feed them.  If anyone is interested in adopting a pet, let me know.  And if anyone knows of a good shrink, call me ASAP.

E. asked me to include this picture: