Yesterday I didn't want to be here anymore--- in New York, in this life, struggling to survive in this economy. I wanted to run away to Mexico. I saw it all in my head; the way I would pack up one suitcase with just jeans and t-shirts, my laptop and my dog. I would collect my last two checks from Lehman, and not pay any bills. I'd put my books in storage and board a bus at Port Authority--- in the early morning hours, before 6:00 a.m., before dawn. So it would be dark and shadowy. I would sit in the back of the bus bound for Tennessee or Kentucky; somewhere southwest.
At my destination, I would check into a flea bag hotel and cut off all my hair, dye it dark brown. I would watch the local news, order a cheeseburger, maybe a beer. I wouldn't call anyone, I would just disappear. The next day, I would board another bus to Nevada, repeat the same process, cheap hotel, cheeseburger, beer, until I got to a pristine and golden beach in Mexico. I saw myself going off the grid once and for all--- working as a waitress, or on a fishing boat, maybe teaching English. A couple of thousand would go a long way in Mexico, I thought. Maybe I'd come back when the economy bounces back, or maybe not at all.
Today I amended the escape to South Florida, a tiny coastal town, somewhere around Sanibel or Ft. Meyers. Teach in a community college. All my life I've done things the hard way, just to prove how tough I am. Maybe now its time to give myself a break, and do things the easy way.